What now?

It was official. Autism Spectrum Disorder. Sensory Processing Disorder.

We left Easterseals feeling empty, sad, scared, mad, nervous…all of the emotions. The only words we spoke were to say that we weren’t telling anyone about it. We needed to process what just happened. I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. “It’s not your fault,” they say. As much as I knew that and know that now, it still creeps in. On the hard days, it swallows me up whole.

I had clinicals the next day. And I had homework. All I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball in my bed and stay there. Couldn’t I just have some time? Time to process. Time to grieve. Time to just figure it out. No. The answer was no. I had to keep it together. I had to be a student, an employee, a daughter, a wife, a mom. So, I did it. I went to clinicals. I went to class. I went to work. I continued our normal routine. Inside, my heart was hurting. I felt like it was all over. Some may say that is dramatic, but if you have ever had a child diagnosed with something that will be a life long challenge, you understand. If you haven’t, I pray you never do. But let me tell you, it changes you. It changes everything.

I questioned everything then. Will she be able to live on her own one day? Will she be able to read and write? Will she be healthy? Will she stop talking? Will we be enough for her? Will her and Cayson have a good relationship or any relationship at all? Will people take advantage of her? What will happen?

What do we do now?

And, for me, the hardest question of all…will she ever have any friends? Autism makes it hard. Communication is hard. I kept having dreams of her walking down a school hallway by herself. It absolutely broke me. I didn’t know that many tears were even possible. They stream down my face now as I type and relive those days. My beautiful Brenly. I wanted nothing more than to protect her. From cruelty. From sadness. From ridicule. From judgement. She didn’t deserve any of that. She deserves love and happiness.

She deserves the world. The whole world.

Could we give it to her?

To be continued…

#beautifullifeofbrenly