When I picked Brenly up at school that day almost 2 weeks ago, it was only 11:30. I was near complete exhaustion, both physically and mentally. I had just worked 5 out of 6 nights. I was looking forward to some sleep and a few days off.
But, autism.
Autism is every day.
By that evening, there were several more meltdowns and a river of tears from her and from me. More from me. My eyes looked I had an allergic reaction to something. Even though we are trying our hardest, these are the times I feel like we are failing.
All of her teachers had checked in with me via text or e-mail. Like I said before, I could never ask for better people working with Brenly. They all love and care about her so much.
The weekend consisted of my husband and I waiting and watching. We were waiting for the next one. We were sure it would come. We just didn’t know when. We were basically doing anything we could to avoid a meltdown. We became “Yes” parents.
Brenly: “Can I have a cookie?”
Us: “Yes.”
Brenly: “Can I have popcorn?”
Us: “Yes”
Brenly: “Can I skip brushing teeth?”
Us: “Yes” (gross, I know.)
We are most definitely not “yes” parents, but you really don’t understand if you don’t live autism every day. After the brutal Thursday we had, we didn’t care what we had to do to keep it from happening again.
Brenly was still on edge.
But, something amazing happened.
The meltdown we were waiting for never came.
We were sure it was coming.
The aftermath meltdown.
It never reared its ugly head.
I have never been more grateful. I’m not sure I could have handled another one.
At least not yet. I know there will be more. She is 8. She hasn’t learned all the coping strategies yet and even if she has, she doesn’t know how to use them. Even if she knew how to use them, she may be so far into a meltdown that she can’t.
You know something though?
It’s ok.
It’s ok that she had a bad day.
It’s ok that I had to pick her up from school.
It’s ok that school is a hard transition.
It’s ok that I am on the waitlist to start counseling because I have bad days too.
It’s ok.
It’s all ok.
I know I always talk about the hard, because trust me, autism is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I don’t talk about the joy enough.
My sweet girl is joy. She brings us joy.
She brings us love.
She brings us beauty.
Because of all we have been through, I have learned to look at things in a whole different way than I used to.
Phil and I have had the opportunity to meet and work with some of the most wonderful people that we are so happy to call friends.
Do I wish it was easier for Brenly? Absolutely.
But it’s not.
Not yet.
I accept that now but we will work every single day until we can give her everything she needs to be as successful in this life as she can be.
I am happy to report that Brenly had a FANTASTIC week at school last week. And, Monroe let her bring home a cicada.
I feel like we are on the upswing of the transition now. I’m hopeful.
With that used to come fear.
I’m realizing I can’t live in fear of the aftermath.
Live for today, friends.
Love for today.
Brenly taught me that.
To be continued…
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The Beautiful Life of Brenly 