Well, here we are. This is day 13 for Brenly being home. She missed the last day of school before closure due to sickness. I guess the first 5 days don’t count. Both kids were sick that WHOLE time.
This. Is. Miserable. For her. For my son. For my husband and for me. No matter how much we love being with our family, there is a point when you need a break. We are getting close and I am afraid we have a long way to go.
We haven’t done any homework this week. It is supposed to be Spring Break after all. We are doing an online Math and Language Arts program that both kids love. We do this after dinner every night so Phil and I can have a few minutes without a kid wanting something. This is also about the time that we pour a drink. If I’m being honest, most days, it’s closer to 2 or 3 that the first drink gets poured. Some days, noon.
My anxiety is increasing with each day that passes. I am a registered nurse. While on one hand, I am filled with a desire to help everyone who steps foot in the hospital, on the other hand, I am scared. It is not a matter of IF I will come in contact with someone who has COVID-19, it is a matter of when. The number of cases is increasing at an alarming rate and those numbers are not everyone. Because not everyone is being tested. There aren’t enough tests.
It isn’t here yet, but I promise you it is coming. It’s on the way. Passing from person to person like a ghost in a scary movie. People are going to die. Unfortunately, a lot of people. The young, the old, the immunocompromised, those with underlying conditions, those without underlying conditions, those who are seemingly healthy…and healthcare workers. The people who are supposed to take care of the sick are going to become the sick.
What happens if I get it? How sick am I going to get? Am I going to give it to my husband? My kids? Will I have to quarantine in the same house but a different room? For 14 days? Who will take care of me? Who will take care of my family if they get sick and I am sick? And how in the world am I going to explain all of this to my kids? Cayson sort of gets it. Brenly just keeps asking to go to school.
Do you know what it’s like to feel like you have to live forever?
Like if something happens to you, something bad will happen to your child too? Because she has special needs and can’t always communicate effectively. Because people aren’t accepting of her differences. Because not everyone takes the time to see what an amazing and beautiful little girl she is. Obviously Phil is a great dad and he and the kids would be fine. Maybe it’s a mom thing. Maybe it’s the gravity of the situation. I cannot get the worst case scenarios out of my head. When I say worst case scenario, I mean worst case scenario. I am not sleeping well. Thoughts of giving my husband and kids a virus because I contract it at work…ugh, it’s too much to bear. I know I am not alone. So many of my friends have the same worries.
I just keep picturing Brenly and Cayson in tears asking Daddy, who is also in tears, where mommy is.
Then all the possible answers play in my head:
“She is just at work. She will be home soon.”
“She is in the bedroom. We can hug her in 12 more days.”
“She is sick and in the hospital but we can’t go see her because we could get sick too.”
“She is in Heaven watching over us.”
And I can’t even type anymore.
To be continued…
The Beautiful Life of Brenly 