So, I finally realize that I am the one who needs to get it together. That realization rocked me to my core. Still, easier said than done. It took me a few days to come to another realization. We didn’t have a referral for anywhere. That referral had to come from a physician…a physician who nonchalantly told us our daughter might be autistic. Let me just tell you that up to this point, we loved this doctor. She was so great with Brenly and with us. We were nervous first time parents. But, she ripped our hearts out. She nonchalantly ripped our hearts out. We couldn’t keep seeing her. Two things make me really mad about that situation. First, she was right. That was a hard pill to swallow. Second, she had no idea how much she hurt us. She probably has no idea why we don’t see her anymore. Maybe she doesn’t care. Who knows? Regardless, we needed that referral.
I waited a few more days. I did not want to talk to this woman. I wanted to strangle her with my bare hands. Maybe a little much…but that’s how I felt about her. I actually ended up getting really lucky. I talked to one of her nurses. We got a referral for Easterseals and Early Intervention. Right after I got the referral I said, “And now, I would like a new pediatrician please.” Take that! Even though it didn’t matter to her, I’m certain of that, it made me feel better. Like I was sticking it to her.
The next day, I called Easterseals. I was crying so much that I couldn’t speak. I hung up and called the next day. The receptionist told me she was sending me some paperwork to fill out and that there was a 6 month wait for the diagnostic clinic. 6 months!!!! 6 freaking months!!! What were we supposed to do in the mean time? I was already barely treading water. I just got my head above it and now I was starting to sink again.
Then we got the paperwork. I mean, I have filled out paperwork. New job=paperwork. Doctor visit=paperwork. DMV=wait in line for an hour, paperwork. New bank account=paperwork. But this. This was a whole new world of paperwork. The packet we got was at least 20 pages and many of the questions needed to be answered in paragraphs. We also had to record a video of Brenly in her home setting. I was so overwhelmed. And the questions brought back all the feelings of guilt and anxiety. There were questions about my pregnancy. Was it normal? Did you go 40 full weeks? Were there any complications? It hurt. The guilt was making it hard to breathe again. Then the questions transitioned to questions about Brenly. That hurt more. The farther we got into the paperwork, the more I realized how unfair all of this was to her. This wasn’t about me at all. It was about her.
Life isn’t fair. When I couldn’t stay out as late as my friends, life wasn’t fair. When I didn’t play enough in the game, life wasn’t fair. When I didn’t get to go on trips because we couldn’t afford it, life wasn’t fair. This is the one time I truly meant it. None of this was fair for Brenly, my sweet beautiful girl. She was gonna be the one trying to navigate this world. It would be so hard for her. And I, I would take her place in a second if it made her life a little easier. I had been selfish before, only thinking about how all this affected me. I was trying to get a grip on how much our world was about to change and I was messed up for a bit. But, there wasn’t one second that I haven’t loved my sweet girl. Now, I love her even more fiercely and I would give everything I have just to make sure she is happy. I just hope she knows how much I have tried and how much I will continue to be what she needs when she needs it.
#beautifullifeofbrenly
To be continued…
The Beautiful Life of Brenly 