I was spiraling. And spiraling. And spiraling. The air around me was strangling me. The guilt was strangling me. I couldn’t breathe. What was I supposed to do now? I wanted to “fix” my beautiful girl. How do you fix autism? I was still holding on to this tiny little sliver of hope that it might not be true. That maybe, somehow, she would magically just come out of it. Like it was a phase. I vowed I would try to fix her.
It was at this time that I failed a nursing exam (the only one I failed). I didn’t even care. I was so consumed with trying to cure Brenly that I had no idea what was really going on around me. Maybe if I cure her, the guilt would go away. I wouldn’t feel so bad all the time. I would be able to breathe again. I spent my free time working with Brenly. I said her name continuously. I looked in her eyes and made her look in mine. I feel awful for that now but at the time, I didn’t know. When she continuously spun in circles, I stopped her. When she said lines from cartoons, I thought we were making progress. When she covered her ears, I just spoke softer because I thought I was just too loud. I tried. I tried everything I could. It didn’t work.
Truthfully, it was all exhausting. I was already exhausted. I spent so much time trying to fix her that I forgot something. I forgot that I had this beautiful, healthy little girl right in front of me who just wanted me to be mom. I forgot that I had the most wonderful, caring and loving husband who was going through much the same things that I was. To this day, I don’t know how he put up with me during these miserable few months. I forgot I had a sweet, healthy little boy who also just wanted me to be mom. They needed me and I was not there. I was wallowing in self pity.
Selfish. That’s what it was. I only thought about me. I was sad. I was angry. I was anxious. I was depressed. What kind of mom was I when all I could think about was how I felt? How it all affected me? This didn’t happen to me. It happened to all of us and I was so blinded by my own hurt that I couldn’t see anyone else’s. All the time I spent wallowing in self pity…what a waste.
I came to a realization that stopped me dead in my tracks. Brenly didn’t need fixed. I did.
To be continued…
The Beautiful Life of Brenly 