In A Daze…

First of all, I really can’t thank all of you who are following my blog enough. It means the world to me that people want to follow our story and support what I am doing.

Before I continue the story, I would like to share a little bit about where exactly I was at in my life at this point. My husband and I had 2 children. Brenly was 2 and Cayson was 4 months old. I decided when I was pregnant with Brenly to leave my career as a teacher and go to nursing school. I was working at the hospital as a tech full time, going to school full time and trying to be the best mom and wife I could be. It was hard. Really hard. It took a toll on me, but my life changed the day of that doctor’s appointment.

We got in the car and we just looked at each other. “Did you hear what I heard in there?” “Did she really just say that so nonchalantly?” “What does it even mean?” “What are we going to do now?” “It can’t be true.” The next week, I was in a daze…

I couldn’t focus in school. I couldn’t give full attention to my patients. I was not a good mom or wife or friend to anyone. I became a google master. No one can google harder than a mom who was just told something could be “wrong” with her baby. What is autism? What are the signs? I put Brenly under a microscope and watched her every move. She was talking. She was walking. She was eating. She couldn’t possibly be autistic. I half convinced myself that she was just fine. That we were fine. That it was all fine.

In private, I cried. When I was awake in the wee hours of the morning trying to do homework, I cried. When I was driving to school or work, I cried. When I was in the shower or the bathroom at all, I cried. In the bathroom though, I wasn’t alone…I had a toddler. If you have one of those, you know that bathroom time is not alone time. I’m not sure my husband even knew how much I was hurting. But I imagine he was hurting too. We talked a little bit about signs of autism but not too much. I was in denial. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about something that I didn’t think was real.

Then one day, about a week later, it hit me. Maybe in my heart of hearts, I already knew. My husband was gone at work and my mom had just left from watching the kids. It was me and my 2 perfect babies. I had read that some kiddos with autism don’t respond to their name.

“Hey Brenly!” Nothing.

“Hey Brenly!’ Nothing.

“Brenly!” Still nothing.

“Brenly!” Willing her to turn around. Raising my voice.

“Brenly! Brenly! Brenly!” It was like I wasn’t even there. Tears streaming down my face. I started to count. So far, 7 times with no response.

“Breeeeennnnlllyyy!” In a silly voice. 8 times. Nothing.

“Breeeennnllllyyyyyyyy!!!!!” 9 times. Heart pounding. I’m so loud at this point that Cayson has noticed and is starting to cry.

“Brenly” More calmly. 10.

“Brenly. Brenly. Brenly. Brenly.” I can hardly breathe at this point. There is no more air. 14.

“Brenly, please turn around. It’s mommy.” 15.

“Brenly. Brenly. Brenly.” Clap. “Brenly. Brenly. Brenly.” Clap. 21

“Brenly. Brenly.” My heart aching. 23

“BRRREEEENNNLLLYYYY.” Virtually wailing. 24. She turned around. 24 times. I put Cayson in the pack and play, went to the bathroom, closed the door and wept. Uncontrollable sobs. Because I knew.

To be continued….

#beautifullifeofbrenly